Caput Caprae: Retrofitting the Zouave: a List of Achievements

So we all know and love deus's Zouave, the grizzled old fighter that's seen too much. It's signature "thing" is that it randomly gets three Tall Tales, which are maybe-true stories that the Zouave claims to have done, which in turn gets it mechanical bonuses. It gives the feeling of the Zouave having been around the block, like an old soldier should.

In this post, I'm going to retrofit all 32 Zouave Tales (plus a few of my own) using delta templates. The idea here is to have fairly specific mechanical tasks that, if done, grant you a mechanical bonus.

Any player of any class should be able to earn these. Some of them can be earned by the whole party at once, theoretically. Benefits kick in more or less immediately.

Cross the Deserts Bare
Δ: complete a month-long (or longer) journey through a desert (hot or cold) without footwear, proper warm- or cold-weather clothing, or socks of any variety.
You and the party travel at full speed over rough terrain.
Breathe the Mountain Air
Δ: spend at least a month at an elevation higher than one mile, survive at least three rockslides or avalanches, and travel at least 100 miles off-trail.
You and your party travel over impassable terrain as if it were merely rough.
Travel Every Road
Δ: visit at least 10 cities, 15 distinct regions, 20 villages, and pass through 30 different cross-roads. To count as visiting, you have to spend at least a night there.
You can read road-signs in any language, and you and your party move 1.5x as fast when on actual roads. You know how to say "hello," "good-bye," "where is the privy," "hands up," and "fuck your mother" in a dozen languages.
Lose an Eye
Δ: in combat or through treachery, have one (or both) of your eyes gouged out.
You cannot be surprised. If you lift your eyepatch to show the hole, you can really spook someone.
Hunt the Dead in the Hills
Δ: kill 100 undead, delve into at least a dozen infested crypts/barrows/mausoleums/cellars, spend a night on desecrated ground, and almost die to at least two of those things.
You can smell a human corpse from 200 feet. If you stand completely still for a full minute, you can hear the difference between a dark room which is silent and a dark room in which someone is not making a sound.
Get Caught Unawares
Δ: survive a night-time ambush when you were totally unprepared, without armor or weapons ready.
Unless strip-searched, you always have 1d4 knives hidden somewhere about your person.
Ford the Great River in Flood
Δ: before dawn, cross a huge river during the wet season—when it rushes the fastest and its banks overflow—and almost drown. If more than 75% of your group makes it through this challenge alive, none of you get the perk.
You have a +4 bonus against being unwillingly moved.
Kill an Evil Wizard With Your Bare Hands
Δ: kill an evil wizard with your bare hands. No weapons, no tools, no magic.
You can tell the difference between magical and non-magical items by licking them; you have advantage against any command/mind-control spell.
Laugh in the Face of G_d
Δ: be struck by lightning, and live.
One time, if you take enough damage to instantly die, you instead take that much damage minus 1, thus barely surviving. If you get struck by lightning again afterwards, this ability resets.
Wade Ankle-Deep in Blood
Δ: participate in and then survive a six-month (or longer) siege, and the ensuing brutal massacre and sack of the city (from either side).
You can identify the value of a mundane item in a real damn hurry, as a first-level thief.
Dance the Finger-Dance
Δ: play at least a dozen rounds of the knife-game. Keep both thumbs and at least four fingers.
When wielding a bladed weapon, you can never fumble. If you would ever lose more fingers from a death & dismemberment roll (or similar), ignore those results.
Ride Beside a Hero
Δ: spend at least a month riding alongside an attractive young person with a strange birthmark, a mysterious weapon, and an odd sort of air about them. Help them rescue at least one person in daring, reckless mission. Later, find out they fulfilled some prophecy.
Maybe worth a free drink or two? Until you find that kid again, though, it'll be hard to actually make this particular achievement worth anything.
Stroll Through a Blockade
Δ: while in the middle of a siege lasting at least one month, slip out a postern gate and walk through the enemy line. No combat, no challenges, no getting caught.
Outside of combat, everybody just assumes you are where you belong, unless you give them a compelling reason not to.
Listen to the Good Word
Δ: unironically take up religion. Go to church, say your prayers, and try to be better. If you ever give up on faith, you lose this perk.
You gain one knowledge of one holy book. If you hear a prayer, even in a language you don't know, you can piece together its basic meaning.
Kill Three Foes With One Shot
Δ: with a single regular projectile (i.e. not a cannonball or ballista bolt), somehow cause the death of three enemies.
If you roll a critical hit with a ranged weapon, the target you hit can move up to 10 feet in any direction you choose.
Win a Game of Riddles With a Giant
Δ: win a game of riddles (at least three rounds, each) with a giant, or giant-ish creature. Ogres and trolls do not count.
NPCs take your riddles very, very seriously. This probably won't stop them from trying to kill you.
Narrowly Evade an Angry Spouse
Δ: after bedding a married person, escape their armed and angry spouse by leaping from a window that is at least three stories high—then, survive and escape.
You treat every fall as if it were 10 feet lower.
Complete an Anabasis
Δ: cross a hundred miles of wilderness to reach the coast, with armed foes behind you, without stopping for food or rest—then escape.
You are not exhausted by forced marches, and your comrades are not affected by exhaustion until it kills them.
Fall Deep in Love
Δ: fall hard and fast for someone, and spend at least a month together in romantic delight. If you fall out of love, you still have this perk.
You have advantage on saves against charms, hypnotism, and magical enthrallments.
Escape a Cave of Treasures
Δ: when faced with the classic "take the money and die, or leave the money and live" dungeon scenario, do both: take the money, then survive.
Your carrying capacity is doubled if you dump all of your useful gear first.
Sleep Through the Falling of the Gates
Δ: intentionally or not, completely miss a dangerous event by sleeping. If all of your comrades, survive, you do not gain this perk.
You can fall asleep at will; if you spend a moment setting your mind to your wake-up time, you'll wake up then, perfectly. You have advantage against magical sleeping effects.
Survive a Hanging
Δ: survive a hanging through means other than being rescued by your friends in the nick of time. Lead pipes, unfriendly rescues, magic crows—all fair and valid.
You can hold your breath for thrice as long. If something would break your neck instantly, you miraculously survive instead.
Live Among the Wild Hill-Folk
Δ: after narrowly surviving something extremely dangerous and being separated from the main force, spend at least a month among the "barbaric" peoples that live in places the ordinary maps deem as wilderness.
You have a huge horrible scar somewhere on your body, and you gain one barbaric advantage.
Pursue the Piper
Δ: give in to the piper's tune, the nymph's laughter, the siren's song. Travel to their strange domain, lose yourself for a span or three, and somehow return to the mortal world.
NPCs who could plausibly be attracted to you will ignore their daily tasks to chat. In every language you speak (and some you don't), you can fake the most posh accent.
Outlast the Court-Martial
Δ: get court-martialed, and then manage to avoid punishment not because you weren't guilty but either because: A) there was some absurd technicality in the handbook that meant you technically didn't qualify, or B) the camp was attacked and they needed every body they could get, and then nobody bothered afterwards.
If you spend a day in deep study with proper legal resources at hand, you can come up with enough bluster, legalistic bullshit, and jury-splitting arguments to evade punishments for most lesser crimes. For bigger crimes, if you can somehow avoid sentencing for 1d6 days (rolled secretly), something more important will come along and the trial will have to be delayed.
Languish in the Leviathan's Belly
Δ: after having your entire ship and crew swallowed whole by some gigantic hideous monster, spend three days in its belly, have some kind of revelation or change of heart, then escape.
You know one priestly miracle-spell, which you can cast once per week at 1 MD.
Earn Your Stripes
Δ: go unconscious 10 times, get critically hit 10 times, have at least 10 suitably gruesome scars, have at least one permanent wound that's never healed all the way.
Soldiers, fighters, and warriors inherently respect you. If you show someone your scars, you can intimidate them into free drinks, letting you into a fancy club, or not trying anything stupid.
Go By a Terrible Name
Δ: spend at least six months acting under some terrible name, like Sue, Eugene, Tabitha, or Herbert. Maybe it's your own name you were born with, maybe it's just a name you had to assume.
Once per day, if the name's mentioned, you can enter a rage, as a first-level barbarian. You gain three levels of exhaustion when you do so.
Study in the Ancient Libraries
Δ: spend at least a month in some ancient place of learning, like a magic academy or ruined sanctum. Read at least one book cover-to-cover, and dabble in at least a dozen more.
You learn a single wizardly trick (or two). You can kind-of-sort-of figure out what written spells do, as on a scroll or in a wizard's grimoire.
Get Rich
Δ: acquire a big fat pile of gold, then buy at least three of: a big house in town, a handful of servants, luxurious clothing, beautiful people to hang on your arms, a dancing bear. Then, in less than a week, lose it all.
You technically own a mansion, but it is in a city at least 500 miles away and is currently occupied by a gang of usurers and their pet bear.
Crawl Through the Black Mud of Spring
Δ: travel five miles on your belly, without ever walking on your own two legs. Get utterly filthy in the process.
You crawl twice as fast as normal. With a waterskin and a rag, you can take yourself from covered in shit to clean as a whistle in less than a minute.
Meet Your Double
Δ: meet your strange counterpart: looks like you, talks like you, smells like you, with all your scars and tics and tones and gaits. Maybe it's a demon, maybe it's your twin separated at birth, maybe it's just dumb luck.
Somewhere, there is another person that people always mistake for you. When you're accused of a crime, there's a 2-in-6 chance that you can blame it on your double. When you enter town, there's a 2-in-6 chance that the law shows up with a fistful of unpaid fines and a big stick.
Rival the Mad Monk
Δ: survive being shot, stabbed, drowned, poisoned, and burned alive.
Royalty will find you irresistibly attractive. Your children will tame lions. When you die, your genitalia will be pickled and displayed.
Save the Royal Issue
Δ: when the castle gates come crashing down and enemies swarm, escape with some member of the royal family (or equivalently powerful position) on your shoulders. If they could have survived without you being there, you don't get this perk.
If a party member is unconscious or dying, you make every attack with advantage.
Walk After Bedwyr
Δ: return a long-lost artifact to its rightful location, like a sword to a lake or a ring to a volcano.
You gain a ghostly, spectral limb to replace one you've lost. It can do everything a regular arm can, but can also become incorporeal at your will.
Survive an Infamous Massacre
Δ: survive a massacre of at least 500 people by seeming dead (intentionally or not).
If given a minute to find a hiding place, you are as difficult to find as a secret door.
[REDACTED]
Δ: Perform a... "favor" for someone or some... "organization." Get... "well-compensated." If you tell anyone about this and don't immediately kill them, you lose the perk.
You can always tell when another person is being uncannily manipulated, or if they've been replaced by Someone Else. You can tell when you're being followed. You can tell when the birds are spying on you.
Find the Dark Tower
Δ: have dreams of an ancient, accursed site, all black rock and carved runes; then, find it.
When you die, you cannot be resurrected and you will never rise as an undead. You are invisible to all forms of supernatural detection.
Commit Regicide
Δ: assassinate a monarch, or someone of greater power (like an emperor).
When you deal damage, you deal +1 damage per 10 followers/minions/underlings the target has.
Earn a Wish
Δ: save the life of a strange, supernatural creature, who in turn offers you any one wish.
You can make a single Wish.
Bareknuckle Box a Brown Bear
Δ: get into a boxing match with a bear (of at least three one-minute rounds). You don't have to win, necessarily, but you do have to not die.
Bears will never attack you unprovoked. Your unarmed attacks deal 1d3 damage.
Gamble with a Devil
Δ: play at least ten-minute game of luck (cards, dice, knucklebones, etc.) with a devil. Survive with your soul intact.
When you roll a die and the result is a 7, immediately roll another die of the same size and add its value to the total.
Drop Out of the Sky
Δ: survive a fall of at least 1,000 feet. Maybe that's in a falling balloon, maybe it's using some kind of fancy parachute, maybe it's pure luck. If you ever get that high off the ground again, you lose this perk.
You can always retrace your steps, even in darkness or in a panic, and you can't get lost in a place you've had a good view of (like, say, from a balloon or mountaintop).
Take Part in a Doomed Expedition
Δ: at the last second, turn back from an expedition that will never return. Beg at least two of them to turn back with you.
Once per day, your GM will warn you if you're about to do something truly, monumentally stupid.
"Commit No War Crimes"
Δ: loot 50 dead bodies, rob 20 people, rifle through 10 wealthy locales (manors, temples, guild-houses, etc.) and smuggle out at least half the proceeds.
You can nick things as a first-level Scavver.
Wander the Labyrinthine Wastes
Δ: after boldly proclaiming that you definitely know where to go, spend at least a month lost in a single region or location, then eventually find your way out.
You always know which way is north, even deep underground and blindfolded. If someone gives you false directions, you know it.
Lynch a Sorcerer
Δ: at the urging of at least a dozen other people, lead an expedition to the residence of a nearby magic-user, break down the doors, kill everyone inside, then burn & bury the bodies.
You are cursed. You are immune to healing spells and your blood glows in the dark. You are also immune to all other magical effects, and have advantage against damaging spells that call for a save.
Out-Drink a Dwarf
Δ: win a drinking contest with a dwarf, and stay conscious for at least ten minutes afterwards.
When you drink, you decide how drunk you want to get: one drink can get you buzzed for the evening, or you can put down ten shots and walk in a straight line.
Catch a Big Fish
Δ: catch a fish of any size, and then convince at least one person that you actually caught an enormous fish, as long as your wingspan is wide.
As long as you can't be immediately disproven, you can lie through your teeth and be believed for 1d6 minutes. Afterwards, whoever you lied to will likely be furious.
Garner a Reputation
Δ: earn at least 10 other achievements.
When you meet a stranger, there's a X-in-6 chance that they've heard of you; X is equal to the number of achievements earned divided by 10, rounded down. On a 1, they've actually met you before, though you may or may not remember them.

While a lot of these are kind of goofy, this kind of thing could potentially serve as the template for a classless OSR system using exclusively delta templates.

Let me know what you think.

Caput Caprae

Sunday, November 15, 2020

Retrofitting the Zouave: a List of Achievements

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